Your probably wondering about the title. Well, let me elaborate. The Crack whore is a GPS navigator named by Lisa and Tim. Simply, because when you really need her, for some reason she does not perform. She acts as if she is on crack and speaks like a unconcerned whore, with a nasty disposition. TSST- TSST- when able make a legal U TURN!!. I SAID..... MAKE A U TURN WHEN ABLE. To cut down time, Anita, Margot and I called her the bitch, hence THE CRACK WHORE BITCH. The 3 ladies, Margot, Lisa, Anita and then there was the lonely male. ME. WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO SPEND A VACATION. We all met up at Hannover Airport in Northern Germany about 2PM. Our goal for that day was to drive to Stuttgart in Southern Germany..........by 6PM. We just miscalculated that even though all autobahn, driving 140MPH we could reach our destination. Well, we didn't quite make it since the 140MPH we calculated was actually 140KPH (about 90) but at least the bitch did not come into play fhe first day. It was uneventful until we started to look for a hotel. We found a hotel in Tauberbischofsheim and immediately sat down to dinner of wiener schnitzel, German fried potatoes, and red cabbage along with a few bottles of wine. OOOHHHHHH sweet mama!!.
It was decided that since all four of us were able to drive, we would take turns. Lisa got the short end of the stick, driving the least amount. She being the youngest, was the most impatient and kept talking about when it was her turn to drive how she would be able to pick up the hour we spent trying to fit our bags into the the car. That comment certainly was able to scare the poop out of me. Us old foggies found it just exciting to try and keep up with the other drivers (mostly trucks, who drive on the right) HEY, LOOK AT ME PASS THE 18 WHEELER...........oooopppppsssssie here comes a car flashing their lights at me. WHOA LOOK AT THAT CAR GO, he must be doing 200 MPH. Did anyone see what kind of car it was......A SMART CAR?????? NEVER!!!!!
When I drove, I not only had the crack whore bitch to listen to, but also 3 ladies ........with maps and opinions....on how to, where to and why to drive a certain way. I remember insisting that the GPS navigator speak English so that I could understand her.......but found this useless at times since listening to 3 other opinionated woman all talking at the same time was.........TOTALLY CONFUSING!!!!!! and hurt my head. It was so much easier to not drive and just sit in the back seat, close my eyes and ears and take a nap. Only problem, was, I missed going through Switzerland and can only visit that beautiful country from photos taken...........lucky we drove the same route 4 years ago and I saw it then. Only difference is that four years ago we drove the route north, this time it was driven south,..........wonder if that changes the scenery.........I remember leaving Germany and setting "the bitch" to PIZA, well, no problem on that leg. We reached Piza OK .........now, the problem was to locate this leaning tower. It was, after we found it quite by accident, lucky how we did find it since it's not really that tall of tower to see it over other buildings. We stopped along a fairly well driven road in the center of Piza to check a local map when someone noticed and old town wall becoming overgrown with Ivy. Thinking that this wall perhaps circled the tower and the church, we decided to investigate what was on the other side of the wall, low and behold, there it was in its splendor, just beyond the tents of the many souvenir hawkers. What a magnificent site.
When I drove, I not only had the crack whore bitch to listen to, but also 3 ladies ........with maps and opinions....on how to, where to and why to drive a certain way. I remember insisting that the GPS navigator speak English so that I could understand her.......but found this useless at times since listening to 3 other opinionated woman all talking at the same time was.........TOTALLY CONFUSING!!!!!! and hurt my head. It was so much easier to not drive and just sit in the back seat, close my eyes and ears and take a nap. Only problem, was, I missed going through Switzerland and can only visit that beautiful country from photos taken...........lucky we drove the same route 4 years ago and I saw it then. Only difference is that four years ago we drove the route north, this time it was driven south,..........wonder if that changes the scenery.........I remember leaving Germany and setting "the bitch" to PIZA, well, no problem on that leg. We reached Piza OK .........now, the problem was to locate this leaning tower. It was, after we found it quite by accident, lucky how we did find it since it's not really that tall of tower to see it over other buildings. We stopped along a fairly well driven road in the center of Piza to check a local map when someone noticed and old town wall becoming overgrown with Ivy. Thinking that this wall perhaps circled the tower and the church, we decided to investigate what was on the other side of the wall, low and behold, there it was in its splendor, just beyond the tents of the many souvenir hawkers. What a magnificent site.
Now came the moment of truth for..........THE BITCH.........take us to Chicaciamo Terme, quickest way. I noticed that she had then routed us via Florence which is actually a little NE of Piza.........Why??? well, after the ladies huddled over their maps, it was discovered that the Florence route was actually the fastest since it was all autostradas OK my darling......here we go!!! The idea was to circle Florence on autostradas so as not to drive through the center of the city.............guess again...........as we approached Florence..THE BITCH..announced that due to heavy traffic on the autostrada, that I was to exit and drive though the city of Florence...............WHAT?????? THAT'S JUST WHAT I DON'T WANT TO DO....................BITCH!!. Funny part about Italian. All the street names seem to sound the same. They all also seem to end with Alley p.(A-LAY). Take first exit to the right to stroganoff A-LAY. Take third exit off round about to enough A-LAY. "OK you guys count the exit" "was that the second exit or the third" that car will not let me turn off the round about guess I have to go around again" "where did I enter" does that count as an exit or just a walk-way". I can't seem to get over to the right of all this traffic, is it my turn to go now" Will I ever get out of this round about?? "OK, I saw it now enough A-LAY. hold on I'm going to turn right........NOW!!. why is that stupid Italian yelling and waving his arms at me? Take the second exit off the next round about onto meatball A-LAY.......I hope this goes better than the last one. "This time I'm staying on the outside of the ring." HOLD ON, that little Fiat just cut me off from the right side. OH! take that horn and pack it!!!!! AAAHHHH now I missed the exit to Youldo A-LAY. " guess we have to go around again. LOOK OUT. that jerk is moving in front of me" "what do you mean I have to be in the center, than I can't get out" Why does the bitch constantly recalculate" " Will we ever get out of this city???" OOHHH great...now all the traffic has stopped and everyone is yelling at me!!!" " Have mercy folks, can't you see I'm a visitor from Sweden??? look at the License plate..........paison.........grumpino"
One and a half hours later and 12 round abouts and we were finally out of the city center of Florence but still not on Autostrada A1. Does anyone remember seeing any churches?? "Lets just pull over into that garden center and I will go in to get directions."
SCUZA.....you speak English.......NO! well at this point that makes two of us. A1 to ROMA?. AH. ok. AH CABISH!!! PRAGO.......CHIO.....one kilometer....turna left......2 streets......turna right.........signa saya A1 ROMA. Gratsy!!! Finally someone I could understand. Put away the maps ladies, we are on the road again!!!! and lets not listen to the CRACK WHORE BITCH again until we are in Chicaciamo.........or wherever. Just as soon as we are through these two hill towns we will see A1. SAN DONATO........weren't we here 4 years ago...........seems I remember singing AMORE at this place with the owner.
Getting trapped in the Italian round abouts reminded me of a story about the airlines.
There were two Norwegians (could be any nationality) taking a trip. An hour into the trip the pilot comes on the speaker. " Ladies and Gentleman, this is the captain speaking. I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that our #1 engine had some problems and I had to shut it down. Good news is that we have 3 other engines and thins aircraft has the capability to glide This will delay our arrival by one hour.
Hour passes and once again the pilot comes on the speaker: ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking, I have some more news for you, both good and bad. The bad news is that our #2 engine has quit on us but this is not going to effect the performance of this aircraft. It will only further delay our arrival by one hour, but the good news is that the aircraft can glide. Hour later same thing with number 3 engine. Finally one Norwegian turns to the other and says " Just think if number 4 engine fails, it sounds like we can be up here all day"
It's how I felt driving in circles looking for and counting exits from a point I entered the circle with so many emotional drivers. ITALIA, I LOVE YOU!!! GOTTA GET ME A T-SHIRT!!!!
One and a half hours later and 12 round abouts and we were finally out of the city center of Florence but still not on Autostrada A1. Does anyone remember seeing any churches?? "Lets just pull over into that garden center and I will go in to get directions."
SCUZA.....you speak English.......NO! well at this point that makes two of us. A1 to ROMA?. AH. ok. AH CABISH!!! PRAGO.......CHIO.....one kilometer....turna left......2 streets......turna right.........signa saya A1 ROMA. Gratsy!!! Finally someone I could understand. Put away the maps ladies, we are on the road again!!!! and lets not listen to the CRACK WHORE BITCH again until we are in Chicaciamo.........or wherever. Just as soon as we are through these two hill towns we will see A1. SAN DONATO........weren't we here 4 years ago...........seems I remember singing AMORE at this place with the owner.
Getting trapped in the Italian round abouts reminded me of a story about the airlines.
There were two Norwegians (could be any nationality) taking a trip. An hour into the trip the pilot comes on the speaker. " Ladies and Gentleman, this is the captain speaking. I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that our #1 engine had some problems and I had to shut it down. Good news is that we have 3 other engines and thins aircraft has the capability to glide This will delay our arrival by one hour.
Hour passes and once again the pilot comes on the speaker: ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking, I have some more news for you, both good and bad. The bad news is that our #2 engine has quit on us but this is not going to effect the performance of this aircraft. It will only further delay our arrival by one hour, but the good news is that the aircraft can glide. Hour later same thing with number 3 engine. Finally one Norwegian turns to the other and says " Just think if number 4 engine fails, it sounds like we can be up here all day"
It's how I felt driving in circles looking for and counting exits from a point I entered the circle with so many emotional drivers. ITALIA, I LOVE YOU!!! GOTTA GET ME A T-SHIRT!!!!
